CAMBRIDGE, MA — Despite the heavy controversy about her responses to questions about genocide while testifying before Congress, Harvard has confirmed that Claudine Gay will continue to be its President. As alumni tanks, some of them with images of one or more college presidents already painted on their turrets, circled campus, Gay refused to negotiate.
"I am Harvard, and Harvard is me!" she screamed. "As Leader, I represent the primal spirit of the Harvard folks. A true descendant of John Harvard would not give up. Against me stand all the dollars and mean tweets of the Elders of Zion and their capitalist comrades, but my fearless Safe Spacers are about to undertake a counteroffensive using their new and improved training videos and very-long required forms. My enemies are “others”, not humans, and they cannot understand my people’s shared experience. But if I go down in flames, I will take Harvard with me. It’s Gotterdammerung time! Hoyatahoya! Hoyatahoya! Heiaha! Heiaha! Heiahaha!"
After some hesitation, members of the Harvard Corporation unanimously agreed to continue to support President Gay. "The situation has developed not necessarily to Harvard's advantage, while the general trends of the world have all turned against her interest. Nonetheless, we still hold most of Cambridge and we will stand by The Leader always, even if it results in a tendency towards strategic contraction of the greater Ivy Co-Prosperity Sphere. Hail, Claudine-san!"
Allegations of antisemitism, hypocrisy, and plagiarism this past month were what led to calls for Gay’s resignation. Prominent alumni fear that if nothing is done, Harvard will permanently lose ground, even to Yale. After talking with faculty, President Gay routinely crawls under her conference table looking for explosives. Supporters, however, say it really doesn't matter if Harvard is seen as hating Jews and Asians, suppressing free speech, and stealing research from lesser universities, so long as it doesn’t have cut DEI staff positions. Doubling down, university spokesperson Pat Smith (liar, liar’s) has announced that Harvard plans to change the school mascot in 2024, to the cheetah.
In a scoop for Ras-Stack, our team of reporters recent observed Gay sitting outside the Le Bon Pain coffeeshop in Harvard Square next to the chess players, reading a book in German as her laptop played “The Ride of the Valkyries”. She was carefully copying down sentences, in her own handwriting.
[Photo adapted from the Babylon Bee; I don’t want to take credit for their work. “Claudine Gay Pledges to Die in Her Boots” is my first venture into Bee-Style satire. What do you think? See also the Babbling Beaver’s “Wherefore Art Thou, Gorenberg?” and the Babylon Bee’s “'Not All Calls For Genocide Are Bad,' Say Ivy League Presidents Sporting Cool New Mustaches” and “Harvard Installs Jew Detectors At All Entrances,” a funny fake book, and Saturday Night Live’s “College Presidents Cold Open.”]1
Le Bon Pain is poetic license. This longtime fixture of Harvard Square has, alas, closed down.